Guest Blogger

I’d assume that it is the goal of most of you readers to eventually get out of the “dating world” and into “married life.”  As someone who is married I thought I’d give you a few tips on some things to work on while dating that are also important in marriage.  One of the silliest reasons for divorce that I have heard is “we just don’t communicate anymore.” To me this is just as ridiculious as “we fell out of love.” Like love communication is a choice. It doesn’t just happen. In general people don’t complain of communication problems when they are dating or engaged. It’s only after they are married that they have this problem. My theory is that they get comfortable and stop trying, or expect their spouse to know them well enough to understand what they want or mean. 

My husband and I have developed a few things that we do to make sure good communication is a priority in our marriage. First, we are responsible for our words. This means that we mean what we say. For example if my husband asks if I want to go see a specific movie and I sigh, roll my eyes, and say “yes” what in the world is he supposed to think? I gave him visual cues that would make him think I don’t want to go but I verbally  told him yes. If I mean yes, then I need to say it like I mean it. If I mean no then I need to say no. Second,  don’t assume things that haven’t been said. If my husband walks in the door and goes straight to the fridge in a huff with out giving me a kiss it would be wrong for me to assume he is mad at me and then choose to give him the “silent treatment” until he is no longer mad. Be willing to be open with your partner and ask, “did I do something to upset you?” Again when you are responding to a question like this be responsible for your words and mean what you say.

When I was newly married I read a story about a marriage counselor who had a particularly difficult case. He was counseling  a number of siblings that were all considering divorce.  The counselor thought that there may be something similar cause to these siblings divorces that had to do with their parents. So he asked to attend the next big family gathering with all the siblings spouses, children, and the grandparents.  As the family was eating the counselor observed some very interesting behavior from the grandfather. At various times during the meal he would stop eating and just stare at something on the table. When someone would notice they would say, “Grandpa would you like the peas?” and he would say nothing. “Grandpa would you like the potatoes?” again he would say nothing.  “Grandpa would you like the butter?” then he responded “yes, thank you” and took the butter.  After dinner the counselor sat down with the grandfather  and asked him why he didn’t just ask for the butter. His response was, “it just means more when I don’t have to ask.”  He had raised his kids with this mentality and now they were all facing the possibility of divorce. The idea that you expect people to know what you need, want, or mean with out saying it will with out question cause serious strain on your relationships. Be clear. Mean what you say and be open about your feelings, wants, and needs.

The key to good communication in marriage is having good communication skills before marriage. You can practice these things while you’re dating, with your roommates, parents, siblings, teachers, and friends. Good communication in all your relationships will help strengthen your communication skills for marriage.

--
Kaija